you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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