Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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