I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
