1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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