i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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