I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
