she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
