all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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