seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
