According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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