i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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