I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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