I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
