i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
