Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
home. puking in laundry basket.
this just has baby written all over it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
