I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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