I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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