there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
