call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
