it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
