I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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