Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
