Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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