Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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