now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
