Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i barfeds in our rink
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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