just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
