Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
