Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Randomize
