how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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