Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
