now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
