dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
