i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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