That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
