I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Houston, we have a squirter
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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