birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
