I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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