fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
