Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
