Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
