Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
