she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
