we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
