I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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