2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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