i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
