She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
