o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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