I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
