So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How does one acquire holy water?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
