Just fell off a train. Bad.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
