It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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