Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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