Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
