I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's the barista slut.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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