Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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