my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
