im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
